what i didn't want to do

i totally had no desire to make this blog about how i spend most of my time riddled with self-doubt and questioning my decision-making skills, both in life and pharmacy practice. i should have chosen a career my suitable to my anxiety issues, prehaps a trash collector or part of the division of abercrombie and fitch that distresses jeans for purchase by spoiled adolescents. it wouldn't matter if i messed up; destruction is part of the job process.

but, unfortunately, i had a particularly bad week two weeks ago and this coming week, i am expected to serve on an expert panel. the purpose of this expert panel is to do a q&a about suicide in celebration of suicide prevention week. i do not feel my knowledge of drugs and suicidality is adequate to qualify me as an "expert", so i have been spending the weekend cramming and making notes so i don't look like a total idiot. really i'm less concerned about looking like an idiot than providing bad information. one would expect those on an expert panel to have some inkling of what they are talking about, and it terrifies me to think i could say something that would in any way influence treatment decisions.

i guess in some respects my absolute lack of confidence is good. it compels me to always care about what i'm doing, to pay attention, and to keep learning.

my senior quote in high school was a few lines from a billy joel song, "shades of grey wherever i go/the more i find out, the less i know". i have always found this to be true.