fear

psychotic people do not frighten me. they can talk about angels and voices and other patients spiking the coffee pot with drugs and it doesn't bother me. hypersexuality doesn't intimidate me. never once has a patient made me feel unsafe.

until today.

we were meeting today with patients who are followed by the outpatient clinic. one of the patients was demanding a dose reduction of her haldol because it was too high and making her see things. she was hostile. she was unrelenting. and she picked me out of the room of people to fix with her murderous stare. she just kept boring into me, and i didn't know where to look. i tried to glance serenely around the room, pretending i wasn't aware of her gaze, but my stomach was flipping all around. i whispered to one of the nurses that she was freaking me out, and he said he would tell me about her after she left. finally the interview was finished and the dirty blond head with the brutal eyes disappeared from the room. apparently my new friend has a history of attacking females she perceives to be more attractive than her. she has leapt over nursing stations in the past to attack her prey. he finished by saying, "i have no doubt if you would have been sitting closer, she would have attacked you". not exactly comforting.

i think what was so disquieting was the fact she was focused solely on me. i hadn't even said anything during the whole interview, yet something about me had fixated her. it's just unnerving to be the object of such disdain without any provocation - just simply by being.

my preceptor, chris, commented, "well, this is the career you wanted".